I love them because...

The last few days have been a battle for me. When I'm in "MOM" mode I no longer feel like myself. Who in the world is this person mad about something every 5 seconds, grumpily answering the phone calls of her best friend, and fighting the urge to throw things?  I find myself losing my cool, saying things I would never dream of saying to another person, let alone these adorable precious gifts God has given me to raise. I've had many thoughts the last couple of weeks that I'm not proud of. Many of which include sending one or more of my children away to be parented by someone more capable. Someone wiser. Someone more patient. Someone with more time to devote to follow through. Someone who can get through to my children in ways that I am failing misrebling at. Then today I was asked, "Mom, why did you have four kids if you don't have time to take care of us all?" This was after I was giving a serious lecture for the 15th time about how I don't have time to take care of the cute puppy Martin got for his birthday and how this is HIS responsibility. "I barely have time to take care of my 4 kids Martin." That's when the question came, and the answer was starring me right in the face. Four pairs of eyes, four sweet little button noses, four soft foreheads to kiss every day. 

I had four kids because we wanted a family to love. And boy do I love them so much I can hardly stand it. Today I was determined to sit and think of the reasons why I love them if only to get out of this grumpy fog I've been in lately. So let's start with Mary:

She's easy because she's so cute. Chunky cheeks. Adorable smiles that take over her whole face. The sweet way she will gobble up her hand when her paci is too difficult to locate. Her sweet little lips when she sleeps and her already ever so slightly bushy eyebrows. It's hard not to love a baby. 

Lincoln: The boy is fun. His crisp blue eyes, unlike anyone in our family. They are as big as saucers and glisten with mischief and laughter. I love him because he loves EVERYONE. We have visitors and he is the first one to the door to greet them. He is the first one to offer some form of entertainment. Hey! Look at me. Or better yet- look at this super awesome toy I just dumped out of my toy basket. Want to read? No problem! I have books galore! 

His pronunciation of words gives me a good giggle most days. At two-and-a-half he can communicate most anything. 

He gives the tightest hugs. Some of my favorites are when we are grocery shopping and he will hold me from his seat in the buggy while I push. He's a sweet little companion. 

Emily: The beauty of that child. Her double dimples and straight teeth. The eyelashes that go on for days and her freckles and beauty marks that dance on her fair skin. 

Her infectious giggle and her ability to do 100 cartwheels in a 20 minute setting. Those moments when I overhear her talking to herself as she uses the bathroom. Practicing in the mirror how she will play something out later or her bright ideas to share with friends the next day at school. 

Her love notes that she leaves all over the house for her friends and family. "I love you mom." chicken scratched for the 50th time on a torn piece of random scrap paper folded and placed neatly on my night stand. She is a dear and quite the nice big sister when she helps Lincoln onto the trampoline or sings her made up lullabies to Miss Mary. 

Martin: I love Martin because he is easy to talk to. You can have a real conversation with him and he walks away having learned something. You can trust that if he tells you a story you're getting the truth. Mostly. 

He is organized. Mostly.

He can focus on a task and complete it. 

He is on the brink of true childhood. Past the age of he doesn't know any better and onto new things like learning how to make toast and match socks, dress a younger sibling, and pass a spelling test. 

He has gone from being adorable, to dorky, to handsome. I choose to dwell on the moments he puts someone else's feelings first. I choose to remember the silly moments where he runs to my rescue in a mommy/daddy tickle match. 

I love him because... he is my son. 

I love them because... 

My love for my children is not based on conditions. It has nothing to do with how she looks or what he does or doesn't do. I will always love them.  

Miss Mary Kate Makes Four

Hmmm... Write Mary's birthday story or take a nap? That's a tough one! 

Mary, yesterday you were two weeks old. It's truly amazing how your birth has completed our family. Martin and Emi are both old enough to hold you and help take care of you. They both fawn all over you every time you're within eye sight. Lincoln is completely in love as well. He has been so gentle and sweet with you and quite concerned for your well being when you fuss. I couldn't have asked for a better fit. You, Miss Mary Kate, make four. I am so blessed to have four beautiful and heathy children! 

The day you were born and the days to follow:

Tuesday, August 11th 2015, You're Daddy and I woke up, got dressed and hurried to the hospital for your 11 am arrival via c-section. We were running 15 minutes late. I was so anxious about surgery we hardly said a word to each other while we drove.

After arriving, we were admitted to a room and the nurses came in and started my IV and questionnaire. We waited about an hour and a half in almost silence before they came in to wheel me into surgery. Daddy said a prayer with me and it did help calm my nerves a little. I was so emotional. I was excited you would finally be here, but scared to deliver, as well as uncomfortable waiting in the hospital bed. 

Shortly after 11am they wheeled me into the O.R. and I was immediately laid out vulnerable on the sterile table. I tried to be brave. The doctor chatted kindly with me, he was trying to take my mind off the anesthesia being administered. It helped a little. Once I got past the prick of the needle I was told I would feel my body start to get really warm and numb. It only took about 30 seconds for me to notice this. Suddenly I started to feel uncomfortable and sick. My neck was aching horribly and all I could say was "my neck..." And lay on the table, eyes closed, and moan. I really truly felt like I could die at any moment. The doctors and staff huddled around me and encouraged me to keep breathing and that it would pass. It must have been at least 3 minutes but I began to feel better and then they let you're Daddy come in to sit with me. I gripped his hand tightly and surgery began. 

I definitely was drugged. I remember feeling relaxed and ready. It only took about 20 minutes for you to make your grand entrance. The doctor said: "You're about to have a baby! You'll feel a little pressure as we push on your belly to get the baby out."

Pressure. Pressure. More pressure. It didn't hurt. It just kinda felt like someone was sitting on my stomach. Pressure. Then the doctor said: "How big were you're other three babies?" I thought he was trying to take my mind off the surgery again. I said, "Martin was just under 8lbs. Emi was 6.12 and Lincoln was right at 7lbs."

"Well, you definitely have you a big baby this time around." He replied. He then asked the staff to lower the bed. It was lowered. Then they tilted it to the right. More pressure. FINALLY (it's only been about 3 minutes at this point) they announced we had a head. I could hear a little suctioning and then your adorable little squall came next. I told Daddy to take a picture... And they held you up for us to see. You were huge! 8.9lbs and almost no hair compared to Emi and Lincoln. 

The doctor laughed and said between baby and all the amnionic fluid, I had probably lost at least 15lbs right there on the table. (That was exciting!) After that they asked if I wanted to do skin to skin. Originally I had planned to give it a try. This would have been my first opportunity to do so out of all the kids but I was hardly functioning because of the anesthesia so you're Daddy held you and I just watched. 

Very soon I was stitched up and wheeled back into our recovery room where they had taken you to be warmed and further evaluated. They gave you to me right away once I was settled and we cuddled and you cried. I remember thinking "she's crying." All the other kids had been bundled up and bathed before I had ever got to hold them. My brain couldn't handle the crying. You did finally settle down into sleep mode which continued on for the next few days. 

The first two days we had several friends come to visit. You were quite loved already. My recovery in the hospital was hard. I wasn't getting much sleep because of the hospital staff coming in at all hours of the night and day (story about that later!) and I was experiencing a lot of pain that I hadn't experienced with any of my other surgeries. Walking the halls was supposed to help but it only tired me more. I felt pretty helpless and I just wanted to go home. 48 hours after you're birth the Doctor allowed us to 

go home and recoup there. What a relief! 

Being discharged from the hospital was eventful. As usual they wheeled me down to the lobby where we waited with Emi for Daddy to pull the car around. Emi did cartwheels and tried to play with my hair, but I told her I couldn't handle the hair fixing at the moment. My head was spinning. Daddy arrived and we all loaded up. I sat in the front. 

It seemed like as soon as we pulled out of the parking lot you started crying so we quickly had to stop at a gas station so I could hobble into the back and sit next to you. Not easy. It then turns out that your Daddy pulled into a full service gas station in which a attendant started pumping our gas, washing our windows, and fixing our tire pressure. And we had NO CASH to tip. OY! I was so embarrassed and impatient. I just wanted to get home- not wait for someone to wash our windows. It seemed like forever before we were finally able to awkwardly thank the fellow and explain that we didn't know it was a full service gas station and apologize for not tipping him. Ugh! So awkward! We did make it home though and I got a nice three hour nap in. I woke up later to your Daddy yelling in his whisper voice at the other kids. "Don't you wake up your mother!" Too late. I hobbled out to the living room and was overwhelmed by the noise and mess. Toys all over. Snack plates. It then occurred to me, "Woh! I have four kids!" And it felt great. Overwhelming but great! 

Since bringing you home we have struggled with and conquered a little Jaundice and this past weekend- some major over supply issues. I finally feel like the last 36 hours you've been feeding like you're supposed to. Thank goodness! 

We've visited family and friends this last week and you've had your pictures taken a couple of times. 

We cuddle you every chance we get! Those few days that you had to sun bathe were so hard on me because I couldn't sit and hold you as much as I wanted. 

My favorite things about you thus far is your adorable little lips. They seriously are pucker perfect. Your eye lashes. The longest of any of your siblings as a newborn. Most of all, you're super soft peach fuzz that covers your cheeks, head, and arms. You are so incredibly soft! All I want to do is rub my face against your head over and over. I am so thankful you are ours and that you are here Miss Mary Kate Strickland! 

A couple of things I don't want to forget: add stories later...

Daddy toots while sleeping. Nurse and I laugh! Daddy has to use the potty while I take a shower. 

Mommy tells nurse to go away. 

Sick with nausea and neck pain.

The Last Day I Was Pregnant

The last day I was pregnant. 

My forth pregnancy. I'm carrying a baby girl. 

Just a few reflections as this season draws to an end:

Lincoln (26 months) likes to blow raspberries on my belly as I tell him over and over "Be sweet. Baby?" And then he proceeds to jam his finger in my belly button. 

Or how about when he is struggling to find a comfy spot in my lap but baby is taking up all the space? It's really pretty adorable and something I don't want to forget.

Martin. He's far past seven and a half now. He is almost 8. I remembered everything at 8. I am so glad that he will always remember this time and the day his Mommy gave birth to his 2nd sister. His sweet and tender hugs and nose snuggles to my belly right now are the best. The way he looks up at me and asks how many more days. "Mary will be here in how many weeks?"  He is already an awesome big brother but I know our new addition is only going to bring out more of his tender and responsible side as he loves on a new baby girl. 

Emi. Oh Emi. She hasn't stopped talking about "Mary". 

- Mom, maybe when Mary is old enough I can teach her to braid. 

- Mom, maybe Mary can wear these shoes when she is six, so long as they don't get ruined in our garage for the next 10 years.

Emi loves Lincoln so much and plays with him constantly. I know her and Mary will share a special special sisterly bond. 

OH MISS MARY, you're going to be here tomorrow!! You won't be in my belly anymore. You'll be in my arms. I won't feel your tiny little fists through my skin anymore, they'll be clinging tightly to my finger. My stomach won't ever be hard as a rock for a solid 22hrs from endless braxton hicks contractions! I will never feel your back balled up tight inside me again- or are those your knees? I can finally stop eating 6 tums a night and sleep on my belly again! 

I know tomorrow when I see your face I will stare at you amazed. Amazed at how beautiful you are. Amazed at how tiny you are. Amazed that I GREW YOU!! Me! With a little help from Daddy and Jesus! Ha ha! I did it! I made it through 39 long weeks of dreaming about you. So even though it hasn't been easy carrying you this whole time, I am certainly happy to see this last day of pregnancy coming to an end and a new day of holding another daughter when the sun comes up. 

The Summer Before Mary Part II

About a week after the kids got out of school I set out with a goal in mind for the summer. It was simple. No crazy bucket lists or lots of errands to run; I simply wanted to be present, loving, and not stressed. I wanted my kids to look back on the summer before Mary and remember laughter and special moments, not Mommy grumpy, fat, and yelling for everyone to clean all the time. Well here we are just a couple weeks away from Mary arriving and I'm not entirely sure if I met that goal. I suppose time will tell. Have I yelled and went on cleaning rants. Why yes. Yes I have. Have I played on my phone or locked myself in my room to watch an entire season of Mr. Selfridge? Yes. Did that too. Have I been flat out snotty to my darling little offspring. Guilty. Guilty. GUILTY. I mean- I'm super pregnant, exhausted, and irritable. I'm not sure my excuses give me a right. I was laying in bed just 2 nights ago thinking to myself what a failure I was. If only I could control my temper. If only I hadn't flipped out and burned those cupcakes. Twice. If only I had been cool, (literally- not sweating like a pig would be nice) calm, and collected, maybe then Martin wouldn't have made the statement "We should never make cupcakes again." Sad face. Maybe if I set a better example Lincoln wouldn't be running around at 2 years old yelling for everyone to "Shut Up!" This was not what I wanted our summer to be like. Luckily, every day is a new day and we keep trying. I continue to remind myself that they're just kids and I'm just me and we can all coexist as a family and love one another. We've had some pretty great moments along with the bad. I of course don't take a picture of myself flipping out while burning cupcakes. I also try to block out the image of pee on the toilet seat EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to use the facilities. LOVE YOU KIDS!! I did however snap some happy photos and I can only pray the kids remember these moments this summer. 

Horse Back Riding

Fun with Friends

Grandparents 

Snuggles 

HAPPY SUMMER... To be continued! 

The Summer Before Mary Part I

Mary, as of tomorrow Mommy is officially 5 weeks away from your scheduled arrival. I have to be honest, the last few days have not been easy and today I feel just awful.

We just came out of 4th of July weekend. It's hot and we have loads of laundry to get caught up on. The swelling in the evenings is getting a little ridiculous. The other night I had to peel my yoga capris off my legs and I had nice hem line indentions in my calves. Very attractive. Don't get me wrong, I feel incredibly blessed to have you and we are all extremely excited to meet you next month but it doesn't change the fact that this is all very hard to manage. All the bending and cleaning and picking up after the kids is so not fun. Acid reflux and eating 3-5 tums a night just to get to sleep. I'm pretty sure I woke up 12x the other night to pee. I may be exaggerating but not by much. Yes I am complaining. This is a post of me complaining. I'm allowed to vocalize my feelings on occasion. Aside from all the DOWNS of being pregnant I can think of a few UPS.

FIRST- I may have some thick thighs- but I am rocking the huge belly right now. That means tight shirts look cute for once! 

SECOND- my hair is growing extremely fast. Although there is a negative there too... All my grays! I can't keep up with the hair color!

THIRD- the best one. Feeling you move. It's the one thing that blesses me at the end of every tiresome swollen day. I crawl into bed after soaking my sausage feet and you dance for me. We try to show Daddy but he only humors us. He doesn't understand our bond like we do.

 

I just know that in 5 weeks when I hold you in my arms, I may be swollen from fluids and not able to walk from surgery. Or exhausted from sleep deprivation because I was so excited to meet you the next day. Or how about the fact I may weigh more that day then I ever have in my entire life... I know that YOU make it all worth it. So I'll see you soon Miss Mary. You can come before surgery day if you like. I won't complain about that! 

Lincoln is TWO!

Lincoln- at age two you are 32 inches tall and 23.5lbs

Oh the little adorable things this boy does. Like the way he climbs up into our big ole bed and settles himself in by covering up with blankets. He will roll over to lay on his tummy while putting his head on the pillow. 

Or the way he gathers what he needs before hand- his cup, a peanut butter sandwich (thanks for smearing it on the sheets bud!) and the two remotes needed to work his favorite show- Mickey Mouse Club House- episode 1 million titled Goofy Baby. Oy! Don't get me going on his Mickey Mouse obsession. He can literally say every characters name on the show but he rarely says his actual family members names!

Oh the little adorable things this boy does. 

Like the way he will come tug on your finger to pull you from your seat so he can show you what he needs. Like how he needs to go outside or he needs you to make him a big cup of yogurt that he insists on feeding to himself and he ends up with a yogurt beard. 

Oh the NOT so adorable things this boy does. Every Time, and I mean every time, we leave the house to get in the van, he runs around a circle making me chasing him! He is just fast enough that he stays out of my sight! Super annoying and tiresome! It also gives me a mild heart attack every day. 

Oh the NOT so adorable things this boy does. Opening and closing the bathroom door constantly. You have locked yourself inside twice now. Not cool. 

The new words you have been saying:

Puppy

Popcorn (your favorite snack)

All gone

Phone (you think Mommy can't live without it. You are constantly bringing it to me)

Outside (one of your favorites. Playing outside)

Down

Show (again, Mickey Mouse!)

Door

Bubbles

Hot/Cold

Car- vroom! 

Teeth, nose, hair, eyes, toes, shoes, 

What's that?

Here (you) go

You ok? (When I blow my nose) 

I Pooh. 

I Hu He- that means "I need a drink." And no matter how many times I ask you to repeat "drink" you still say I Hu He. 

Instead of saying "Yes- or Yea" you say "OK." 

Lincoln? You want some popcorn? OK.

Lincoln? Did you poop? OK. Let's change your diaper. OK. 

I have enjoyed every possible second of every day watching this boy grow. I wouldn't say the last two years have flown. I feel like they were slow paced and completely special. I am looking forward to seeing Lincoln become the 'BIG BROTHER' to Baby Mary when she arrives in just 2 short months. I'm curious to see how the home dynamic will change. I'm incredibly grateful for the school year that Linc and I were able to spend alone. It was like he was an only child at times and I will treasure those memories forever! 

Lincoln, you had a nasty case of viral pink eye the week before your birthday. We've been to the doctor 3x for follow ups and medication! The last time we went the doctor told me it was the worst eye infection he had ever seen! Goodness! Luckily you were well enough by party day to still celebrate with friends. Mommy made you cup cakes and snacks and you spent the morning playing in your kiddy pool and running around the back yard with friends, the afternoon-napping, and the evening showing off to your grandparents and close family. You were so excited to receive every gift and you got to blow out candles several times- which you thought was awesome. You cheered YAY a lot!! 

You are officially TWO and still sleeping in momma and daddy's bed. We don't personally feel like it has been much of an issue. We love sharing that time with you but soon you will have a baby sister in that spot so we will be moving you to Brother's room by the end of the summer. Martin has mixed feelings about it. Sometimes he wants you in there and other times he wants you out. Oh the joy's of a small family home. It's all temporary. 

You love to sing. I catch you singing lots of little things but your favorites are:

Row Row Row your boat.- thanks to a cute little book you have, you will usually run to get the book so we can sing it together.

We will, We will, Rock you. - Martin has a singing tooth brush that plays this song, and you have enjoyed carrying it around quite a bit. 

Twinkle Twinkle. - this song may have came from Emi who likes to sing it to you when you are upset. She is such a great big sister! 

LINC LINC Is 1.5 Years Old!

Goodness, the last six months have wizzed by. Martin and Emi started school and Lincoln and I have been enjoying our quiet days at home sipping coffee, lunch, snuggles, and the occasional trips to target. He is certainly my little buddy and he is really starting to become his own little person with each passing day. 

So at 1.5 lets talk skills. Motor skills. Speaking skills. Smooching skills.

Linc is awesome at all things throwing and hitting. He digs in the kitchen drawers dragging out spatchulas and spoons and runs around smacking the family with them. He then cracks up and chunks it as far across the room as he can. He throws everything he picks up. it doesnt matter if its a teeny tiny ball or a plastic tractor the size of a basketball. He chunks its all and if you are in his path you better duck or get out of the way. 

Dancing is another favorite of his. It started out with a little marching technic but now he's started spinning and swaying from one foot to another. It's adorable and he is certainly a ham for the camera. 

Speaking. Well, unfortunately thanks to the lovely green paci clipped to his top 24/7, Linc isnt talking as much as Martin and Emi were at this age. He says MOMMY, DADDY, DRINK (which sounds more like 'TEE') NINNY (His milk, which sounds more like 'TEE') as well. He says BYE and waves happily, especially when I am picking him up from the nursery at church. He knows he's about to see freedom and waves goodbye to everyone! He said DOGGY the other day while he was helping me brush Christopher. Adorbs! He says BUHBUH we he is mad at Martin. In fact- he has shrieked it in anger on more then one occasion. But his favorite word of all time has got to be GO. I say "GOTTA GO- TIME TO GO GET THE KIDS." And he runs to the door... GOOOOOO!!!!! Also back to the throwing objects thing- We say READY- SET- and Linc will finish GOOOOOOO!!! *chunk whatever hard plastic object he is holding* 

He also says OWE. If he bonks his head or even while I'm combing his hair... His response is "Owe". 

Smooching. Lincoln is getting the smooching thing down. Right now it is a full open mouth slobbery kiss... Aw so sweet... But yuck- proceed to wipe slime from your chin kinda kiss. I am trying to teach him to pucker!

WEANING. Everyone just sigh with me. One- two- three- SIIIIIGH!!!! 

So this boy is stubborn and likes his little life just the way it is. He is still nursing 3-5x a day. And night times are the worst. He sleeps with Dustin and I still, which doesnt help. Last night he was screaming at midnight for his ninny even though he had already had his bedtime feed. He cried and cried and crawled out of Dustin's arms over to me. Gave me some slobber on my chin and sweetly pointed and said "TEE?" 

Awwwww!!! Who can say no to that?! He is working me over!  

So to wrap it all up- the past 18 months have been such a blessing to me. Lincoln is still my little baby and I'm not rushing him to grow up to soon. LOVE YOU LINKY!